Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Fat Just Walks Away!

Ah, January 1. Tis the season to make all those stupid resolutions, "I'm going to join a gym, exercise two hours a day, and eat only cottage cheese and celery to get the holiday pounds off!!!" Yeah, too bad we don't have Adipose Industries to help the fat walk away. I mean, take a pill a day and lose a kilo? How sweet is that?
Instead of Adipose Industries, in the real world we're inundated with a shit-ton of commercials beginning the day after Christmas. We have Janet Jackson solemnly telling us how terrible it's been and how she's eating Nutrisystem pre-packed foods. Marie Osmond's still shilling for them too. Mariah Carey's hawking Jenny Craig, showing off her post-baby body. Weight Watchers is guilty also, trying to lure us in with Jennifer Hudson. Rumor has it Weight Watchers is courting Jessica Simpson with a multi-million dollar deal after she gives birth.

As for the pill-pushers we need look no further than Snooki and Holly Madison. I just saw some NV commercial while watching "Stepbrothers" on FX. Holly's strutting her stuff, rubbing her ass, and look at her, all skinny and shit. Whoo. Hoo. And for some odd reason Snooki's selling some sort of miracle diet pill in the back of Self magazine...SELF!!! A magazine that claims to promote healthy lifestyles accepts advertising from a crap diet pill.

Quite honestly, I hate that we're bombarded with celebrity endorsements for weight loss products. You cannot tell me they don't have personal trainers on speed dial or chefs to dish out portion-controlled meals. Do we really think Mariah would eat that crap Jenny Craig calls food? Does Janet simply pull a microwave meal out of a freezer and hit the +30 second button? Is Jennifer really weighing and measuring her food herself?

Bullshit. Yeah, I'm calling it. Bullshit.

Even though I'm sick and tired of the other commercials of real people showing off their success, at least they're real people. They aren't perfect; they don't have all the niceties celebrities can afford. They possibly paid for a few sessions with a personal trainer at the local YMCA or had a back-up Lean Cuisine entrees for a quick portion-controlled lunch.

All these commercials make me want to punch these celebrities in the throat.

Gosh, just imagine if the fat could just walk away...
If you're not a Doctor Who watcher, those little creatures are Adipose babies. Aren't they cute?
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